I don't think I'm important because I am a mother...

I heard an interview with a famous singer last week.  I was driving to the post office and getting my NPR fix.  I was amazed that an individual could be so prolific and highly regarded after 50 years in her career.  When I was a child I laid on the living room floor and listened to one of her albums in my mom's small library of vinyl records.  All these years later (more than 30) she is still a force to be reckoned with.

That filed away in my mind, fast forward to today.  I was sweeping under the furniture and directing children to fold laundry and set the table.  Some of my best thinking happens while I'm doing mundane tasks around the house or yard.  

I thought back to that interview and imagined what it would be like to meet her personally.  Would I feel on even footing with an international star?  Would she have as much respect for me as she would expect from me?  I have not been easily dazzled by public figures.  They sometimes disappoint me in the integrity or common sense departments.  I like to view people as children of God no matter what their station or position in life.  That equalizes all of us.

I wondered if she would say she was blessed with extraordinary talent or worked harder than anyone else to become so expert.  I wondered if there are hundreds or thousands of other singers just as talented but less known, or unknown because they focused their energy on other pursuits.

I imagined a dialogue with this personality. I described myself.  "I am a pretty terrific mother.  I've worked hard to become so." I searched around in my mind to find a description to justify my equality with her achievement and I said something so profoundly enlightening to myself that I stopped sweeping and straightened up:  "I don't think I'm important because I am a mother.  I am a mother because Motherhood is so important." 

 Everything we endeavor to do could be guided by the question, "Why is this an important thing to do?"  The answer could be, "This is not very important." or "This is important because it brings me joy or brings joy to others."  or "This is an ordinary thing but it just has to be done" or "This is will change the world in amazing ways!"  We do change the world with everything we do.  Every action increases good or beauty in the world or decreases it.

There are many good things to be and do.  I hope you will find many ways to use your talents, gifts and interests.   For me, being a mother has been my top "job."  It doesn't pay well.  It isn't glamorous.  No one has interviewed me because of my great achievements in parenting.  I have hard days.  I make mistakes.  But, I couldn't be more proud of any other job.  Bringing a life into this world, nurturing it, loving it and guiding it is the most significant vocation I could have chosen.

"Thanks for the lovely visit, Barbra.  If you'll excuse me, I've got to get this floor clean before dinner!"

Maiwage is what bwings us togever

ONENESS

I hope it is not too late to illuminate a mistake I have made in my marriage.  My dream of marriage was that as husband and wife we would think and act as one, unified on our path, understanding each other’s heart and protecting the beating organ in the other’s chest as if it were our own.  After 25+ years of marriage I see that might be a possibility after decades of intentional, conscientious, reciprocal study of each other.  Indeed, the advice I received about marriage (as I understood it) supported the belief that if I applied myself to learning what made my partner happy and supplying it, I would have a rich and happy marriage. 

Here is where I made my mistake.  I put supplying my partner’s needs ahead of my own.  I see now that this sage advice (coming from those with decades of marriage experience) is shining and ideal.  But on the course to arriving where this principle polishes an already healthy relationship, there is a battle to remain a healthy, whole self who does not sacrifice what is necessary to remain secure, progressing, and emotionally robust.  

We are not responsible for the choices of others.  Not our friends' choices, our spouses' choices, our children’s choices.  How I wish I had understood that I was not responsible for my husband’s happiness and set an example for you of tending to my own happiness instead of believing I would be happy when my husband was happy.  I imagined I would relax and be content when he didn’t need me to do, or not do, or sacrifice to ensure his happiness.  It doesn’t work that way!  You can not save those you love from the pain of life, from the pain of their choices that go awry, and you can not prevent others from making choices that cause them to stumble.  

Take good care of yourselves.  Don’t be selfish in a hurtful, condescending way.  But, tend to your emotional, spiritual, physical, social, psychological needs.  Do those things that will help you grow and develop and be strong. Don’t sacrifice these things to please, gain approval, avoid conflict or disappointment in others.  You could live your whole married life living someone else’s life and find at the end that you are not happy, whole, or healthy and that you never could please your husband or satisfy all of his needs.  No one can.  Let your husband be a man and provide for his own happiness and supply his own needs and come together as two healthy whole people who love, cherish, and polish each other.

I am not waving my breasts defiantly

My Darling Daughters,


Please do not be offended as I share my experience and perspective about a controversial subject.  I respect your right to disagree with me and I will not be offended if you do.  But I can't sit dumbly by and not give my perspective on the debate over modesty.

It is true that women are not responsible for the thoughts and intentions of men. I agree wholeheartedly with that argument.  I also believe that women should be free to wear whatever they want.  Men or society should not dictate women's personal choice of apparel.  I have no argument about that. I lived in a religious state where women were required to wear modest clothes and were held responsible for sexual assault, no matter the circumstance.  I have seen the extreme of these violations of freedom and equality.

It would be naive and uninformed to believe that what women wear doesn't affect men and their thoughts.  It might be uncomfortable to imagine that your brothers, father, uncles, grandfathers, and friends who are decent and kind men would struggle to control their sexual thoughts and feelings when they see a girl or woman wearing something form fitting, short, low, or sheer.  But they do.  That is a fact.  Men respond to visual cues of the female figure.  They are wired that way.  Any honest man will admit it.  But not all men resist having sexual thoughts about females who are not their partners.  Not all men will put on the brakes when lustful imaginings intrude in their thoughts involving the innocent girl in a tank top or shorts minding her own business on the bus, at the grocery store, riding her bike, sitting in front of him in class.

So what? Who cares what someone else thinks?  Who are we to police other people's thoughts? If that were all the danger - unsavory thoughts- would I protest?

We live in a world that has objectified women and protects as free speech the sexual abuse of women.  Pornography is accessible to anyone who can work a mouse.  A whole generation of men has been conditioned to the acceptability of careless and casual sex without consequence or responsibility. The depictions they often see are of women being victimized or mistreated and enjoying it. Do I care that men have destructive thoughts involving innocent girls and women?  Yes I do.  Are there men who will eventually act on their fantasies?  Yes, that happens.  Are there men who believe when a woman resists that it is part of the sexual experience? Yes, sadly there are men who lack empathy, see women as objects, and will use them for their own sexual satisfaction without regard to how they hurt a woman physically, emotionally, or psychologically.
 
It is every woman's right to expose as much of her body in public as is allowed by the law.  But is it smart?  When you pick up a stick, you pick up both ends.  If you show your body, there are men who will think of you as a sexual object and fantasize about using your body for their sexual pleasure.  They might not act out their fantasies on you.  But they might act them out on someone else that crosses their paths. That you cannot control.

I am not waving my breasts defiantly saying it is my right to do this.  Who benefits if I do?  Men who want to be faithful to one woman wish we would keep our breasts put away.  Men who are addicted to lust say "wave on!" Women are the losers.  Not only can we not defy gravity with our breasts, we cannot ignore that there are results and consequences that we cannot control when we flaunt them.  I will not add my body to fuel the fire of lust burning out of control in some men.  I don't want to be the object in someone's fantasy.  I don't want to contribute to the fire that will lead some man to betray his partner or abuse someone else. I dress to show respect for myself AND to show respect for others.

I Squirmed, I Saw, I Conquered

I squirmed, I saw, I conquered

I ran into our dog trainer.  I spent thirty minutes talking to him about my fear of walking my dog, tips for integrating new dogs into the pack, vet visits, and many other fascinating insights my fabulous dog trainer has.  He has a knack for breaking things down to the basics and communicating not just the facts but the emotional aspects of relating to dogs.  He is amazing.

This was the first time I've met my dog trainer since he returned home from getting surgery to change gender.  I wasn't as flummoxed as I imagined I might be.  I was very conscious of the pronouns I chose, but soon I was reassured. I looked straight into his clear blue eyes as we talked and saw the soul of a Child of God.  I appreciated all of the traits and characteristics in this man that I loved when my dog trainer was a woman.

My young sons were with me that day.  As we walked to our car my eleven year old said, "That guy reminds me so much of the dog trainer that came to our house."  After they were buckled securely in their seats and I started to drive, I bit my lip and said a silent prayer.  Should I explain about transgender issues to my young boys?  I felt a green light in my heart.  I took a deep breath and said, "You know, that guy is the dog trainer that comes to our house."  I explained that she had decided she would be happier living on earth as a man and had changed her name and had medical help changing her body to be like a man's." I knew my son was puzzling over the full beard and maybe more.  But I forged ahead to what I felt the crux of the matter really was.  I asked him, "Do you think Heavenly Father loves the dog trainer less because she changed her identity to be a man?" He was thoughtful for just a moment.  He replied that he believed Heavenly Father loved him just the same.  "Then what should we do?  Should we love the dog trainer the same as before?"  He nodded and confidently said yes.

That was a very good day.  A difficult subject arose that I had not prepared for.  In my own mind I wasn't sure I was able to accept that someone could change such a fundamental part of their identity.  But I saw the beauty and goodness in an individual that has struggled through a personal crucible that could be viewed by some in the world through critical eyes.  I know now that the dog trainer and everyone else who has wrestled with transgender issues is not on trial.  I respect that my dog trainer friend is not accountable to me or any other mortal person for his decision to change his gender.  And God loves him just as much as He loves me and anyone else.
(This is not a picture of my dog trainer.)

True Beauty

  "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder" is only a helpful aphorism if I know that my eye is the eye that matters.  Trying to be beautiful for every other eye is impossible and depressing.

When I was younger I believed that beauty was something like this: thin, long hair, clear skin, long lashes, straight teeth.  At my age (undisclosed) my view of beauty is more like this: intelligence, kindness,  having teeth (I'm still shallow- just being honest), smiling, integrity, modesty (in every sense), courage.

You might be thinking "...well, mom isn't those first things anymore, except clear skin... but now she has wrinkles...ewwww." I haven't changed my view so I can still qualify as beautiful in my own eye.  I have discovered that most of the time beauty enters my eye it doesn't have long hair and weigh less than 160 pounds.

I started working with Cub Scouts a year or so ago.  There is a monthly meeting called "round table" where Boy Scouts of America leaders in my community teach leaders from local packs.  I have observed an amazing array of beautiful women at these meetings who are respected, admired and treated as equals by their male counter parts.  They are all ages, shapes and sizes.  Their hairstyles are not memorable. I don't think they wore makeup. I can say in confidence that they were all dressed in khaki scout clothing.  What I do remember, can't forget, is their confidence, enthusiasm, kindness and deep, deep beauty.  That is beauty I want to emulate.