Maiwage is what bwings us togever

ONENESS

I hope it is not too late to illuminate a mistake I have made in my marriage.  My dream of marriage was that as husband and wife we would think and act as one, unified on our path, understanding each other’s heart and protecting the beating organ in the other’s chest as if it were our own.  After 25+ years of marriage I see that might be a possibility after decades of intentional, conscientious, reciprocal study of each other.  Indeed, the advice I received about marriage (as I understood it) supported the belief that if I applied myself to learning what made my partner happy and supplying it, I would have a rich and happy marriage. 

Here is where I made my mistake.  I put supplying my partner’s needs ahead of my own.  I see now that this sage advice (coming from those with decades of marriage experience) is shining and ideal.  But on the course to arriving where this principle polishes an already healthy relationship, there is a battle to remain a healthy, whole self who does not sacrifice what is necessary to remain secure, progressing, and emotionally robust.  

We are not responsible for the choices of others.  Not our friends' choices, our spouses' choices, our children’s choices.  How I wish I had understood that I was not responsible for my husband’s happiness and set an example for you of tending to my own happiness instead of believing I would be happy when my husband was happy.  I imagined I would relax and be content when he didn’t need me to do, or not do, or sacrifice to ensure his happiness.  It doesn’t work that way!  You can not save those you love from the pain of life, from the pain of their choices that go awry, and you can not prevent others from making choices that cause them to stumble.  

Take good care of yourselves.  Don’t be selfish in a hurtful, condescending way.  But, tend to your emotional, spiritual, physical, social, psychological needs.  Do those things that will help you grow and develop and be strong. Don’t sacrifice these things to please, gain approval, avoid conflict or disappointment in others.  You could live your whole married life living someone else’s life and find at the end that you are not happy, whole, or healthy and that you never could please your husband or satisfy all of his needs.  No one can.  Let your husband be a man and provide for his own happiness and supply his own needs and come together as two healthy whole people who love, cherish, and polish each other.